How the 3/5 Compromise Can Solve Gay Marriage, or A Parodical Plundering of Our Past Mistakes

Gay marriage is a polarizing issue with a lot at stake – fortunately, to quote Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet, I went and did the political world a frickin’ service. Though the U. S. of A. is a relatively young country, I was still able to cull a few gems of even handed, thoughtful policy from our past, each one more tenable than the last – enjoy!

Separate But Equal (from Plessy v. Ferguson, 1896) – OK, in all fairness a lot of people beat me to this one, but it’s still a win/win. What we do is let the gays get hitched, but we don’t let them call it “marriage,” ‘cause that’s the straights’ word for it! Instead, we call it a “civil union” and imbue it with most of the legal rights of a “traditional marriage” but none of the reverence, because “they” shouldn’t get to use “our” word, because it’s ours! So, it’s a separate institution that only applies to a minority group, but it’s still totally equal – that’s never not-worked, right?

Altar Tax (from Breedlove v. Stuttles, 1937) – If you don’t want people to do something, but instituting complete prohibition is too harsh, the good news is you’ve still got options. One popular - and profitable! - option is to make it really expensive for people to do whatever it is you actually covertly/overtly don’t want them doing. Wary of tobacco and alcohol use? Vice tax! Don’t want African Americans, Native Americans and poor Anglo Americans voting? Poll tax! Don’t want two dudes or two chicks getting married? Altar tax! All you have to do is pass a law that says the gays can get married, but then – and this is the kicker – you make it $100,000 for “them” to get a marriage license. That way gay marriage is “technically” legal, but most of ‘em still can’t do it!

3/5 Compromise (from Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the U.S. Constitution, 1787) – Before you say it, I know: the three-fifths compromise was later superseded by the 13^th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which was passed in 1865 and blah-blah-blah, thank you Mr. Wikipedia. Next you’re probably going to point out that both Plessy v. Ferguson and Breedlove v. Stuttles were later over-turned, as well. You say political injustices righted, I say they were simply applied to the wrong minority-group.

The 3/5 Compromise really is the masterstroke, though, because it combines the best parts of my two previous policy initiatives (see above). To achieve separate by equal, when two persons of the same gender unite under the law we wouldn’t call it a marriage, but instead a “marri” (mare-uh), which is pronouncing 4.8 of the 8 letters in the word marriage. As you math geeks have probably already figured out, 4.8 is three-fifths, or 60%, of 8. As for being profitable while still tacitly giving gay marriage the political middle-finger, people that are in a “marri” would only get 3/5 of the benefits normally afforded to “traditional” spouses. So, if Adam and Steve are in a marri, and Adam’s employer was the primary benefits provider, when Steve gets a bill from the dentist (because the gays have poor dental hygiene – new stereotype!) it would be 40% higher, as his insurance would only be paying 60% of the amount they’d have paid were Steve a woman. The insurance company then gets to keep the other 40%, and thanks to Trickle-Down Economics we all benefit in the end, somehow. This can easily be applied to inheritances, hospital visitation rights, and all the other benefits that come from legal matrimony.

So, there you go – three great ways to legally disenfranchise tax paying, voting, employed, jury-serving, consenting adults who are American citizens. You’re welcome!

On my cat’s frequent use of the n-word

First off, it’s totally OK that my cat says it – nobody has any proof he isn’t descended from some Egyptian cat, and Egypt is clearly part of Africa, and in this country “African-American” generally signifies someone as being black, and "being black” is such a nebulous thing anyway – I mean if a black Jamaican can say it, and so can a black Canadian, and I don’t believe anyone would object too much if an Aboriginal Australian said it, or a Congolese Pygmy, or Filipino Negrito, or Jason Kidd or Barack Obama, who are both US citizens from mixed race parents – then why not my possibly Egyptian cat? Would anyone have stopped Anwar Sadat from saying it? I doubt it.

So, with that out of the way let’s get to the point of it – most middle-class white folk like myself want a cool black friend who would call them the n-word (“-ah” not “-er”, of course) in a casual, jocular way, like if you were getting some lunch together they’d be all “N-word, give me some those fries,” and then they’d totally grab some of your French fries off of your plate, and you’d totally think, “He/she called me that, but it’s OK, because we’re friends and they’re black, or black enough that it’s OK for them to say that (see above discussion).”

Basically, we all just want to hang out with Dave Chapelle, who’s hilarious and non-threatening enough to appeal to white America, but still has some idea of “street-cred” because he was on that show and those rappers liked him, and rap’s street, right?

So, since I live in a town that’s less than 1% black, and cool, funny black friends have been few and far between, in the dry spells I’m forced to project my want of a hip black friend on my cat. When he meows at me from outside so that I’ll come let him in I imagine he’s actually saying “Come let me in, n-word, if I could work the door knob I’d do it myself, but I can’t!” Or when I’m reading a book and he jumps up in my lap, I like to imagine him saying “Lookout, n-word, I’m coming up!”

Now, some of you are doubtless thinking that I’m somehow commodifying the abstract concept of hip, urban blackness, and thus reducing a large group of people to an idea or product that can be acquired, and thus denying a group their individuality, and here’s what I say to that – no, I’m not. My cat’s hip and urban, and sometimes - and that’s the thing, it isn’t always that he says it, just sometimes – he drops the n-word in casual conversation. Paramount to all of that, though, is the fact that we’ve known each other for over 7 years and in that time have developed an understanding with each-other built on mutual respect, and that relationship is really what makes it OK. Plus, I like to imagine he does a great L’il Jon impression.