Gay marriage is a polarizing issue with a lot at stake – fortunately, to quote Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet, I went and did the political world a frickin’ service. Though the U. S. of A. is a relatively young country, I was still able to cull a few gems of even handed, thoughtful policy from our past, each one more tenable than the last – enjoy!
Separate But Equal (from Plessy v. Ferguson, 1896) – OK, in all fairness a lot of people beat me to this one, but it’s still a win/win. What we do is let the gays get hitched, but we don’t let them call it “marriage,” ‘cause that’s the straights’ word for it! Instead, we call it a “civil union” and imbue it with most of the legal rights of a “traditional marriage” but none of the reverence, because “they” shouldn’t get to use “our” word, because it’s ours! So, it’s a separate institution that only applies to a minority group, but it’s still totally equal – that’s never not-worked, right?
Altar Tax (from Breedlove v. Stuttles, 1937) – If you don’t want people to do something, but instituting complete prohibition is too harsh, the good news is you’ve still got options. One popular - and profitable! - option is to make it really expensive for people to do whatever it is you actually covertly/overtly don’t want them doing. Wary of tobacco and alcohol use? Vice tax! Don’t want African Americans, Native Americans and poor Anglo Americans voting? Poll tax! Don’t want two dudes or two chicks getting married? Altar tax! All you have to do is pass a law that says the gays can get married, but then – and this is the kicker – you make it $100,000 for “them” to get a marriage license. That way gay marriage is “technically” legal, but most of ‘em still can’t do it!
3/5 Compromise (from Article 1, Section 2, Paragraph 3 of the U.S. Constitution, 1787) – Before you say it, I know: the three-fifths compromise was later superseded by the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which was passed in 1865 and blah-blah-blah, thank you Mr. Wikipedia. Next you’re probably going to point out that both Plessy v. Ferguson and Breedlove v. Stuttles were later over-turned, as well. You say political injustices righted, I say they were simply applied to the wrong minority-group.
The 3/5 Compromise really is the masterstroke, though, because it combines the best parts of my two previous policy initiatives (see above). To achieve separate by equal, when two persons of the same gender unite under the law we wouldn’t call it a marriage, but instead a “marri” (mare-uh), which is pronouncing 4.8 of the 8 letters in the word marriage. As you math geeks have probably already figured out, 4.8 is three-fifths, or 60%, of 8. As for being profitable while still tacitly giving gay marriage the political middle-finger, people that are in a “marri” would only get 3/5 of the benefits normally afforded to “traditional” spouses. So, if Adam and Steve are in a marri, and Adam’s employer was the primary benefits provider, when Steve gets a bill from the dentist (because the gays have poor dental hygiene – new stereotype!) it would be 40% higher, as his insurance would only be paying 60% of the amount they’d have paid were Steve a woman. The insurance company then gets to keep the other 40%, and thanks to Trickle-Down Economics we all benefit in the end, somehow. This can easily be applied to inheritances, hospital visitation rights, and all the other benefits that come from legal matrimony.
So, there you go – three great ways to legally disenfranchise tax paying, voting, employed, jury-serving, consenting adults who are American citizens. You’re welcome!
the gays have poor oral hygiene because they have eating disorders, drinking problems, and a GNC fueled supplement heavy lifestyle, silly.
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